I Turned 26 Last Month But I Feel 80 Inside.

My birthday was on 19th of February, I turned 26. That’s a pretty young age you know and I should feel alive, happy, ready or whatever but I don’t. While growing up, I used to see a lot of twenty something year olds and I thought they had it all together. Many of them had jobs, were married, had kids and seemed happy and then there’s me now at that same age; tired to say the least. The tiredness of an eighty year old who has lived it. What am I doing wrong?

I had a pretty great day on my birthday, I was happy, drunk (drunk me is always happy) but I could feel the tiredness set in the next day. No I’m not physically tired or sick. I feel tired in a way that I can’t explain when people ask me how I’m doing. Because I may look fine but I’m far from it. That tiredness that comes from your soul and separates who you think you are and who feel you are. Like how I think I’m a bad bitch but I feel basic inside… that sort of thing.

The weird thing is I can’t say what I’m tired of exactly when other people ask me. But when I ask myself, I usually say “Life”. I’m not suicidal but the concept of life itself feels very odd and tiring. Why am I here? Why didn’t nobody ask me first? Where is the manual, I have no prior experience? Why do I have to suffer to survive? Why do I need money and still have to work for it? Why is life so uncertain? Why do I have to people? Why so much pain? Why? Why? Why? I have so many questions but most importantly if I have to do this, why don’t I get breaks? Who designed this? I need to speak to a manager!

I don’t know what I’m doing and some days are good but other days everything is off. Maybe it’s worse because I’m a Nigerian living in Nigeria where nothing even works but I just know I’m tired.

People refer to me as strong but it’s nothing special because we are all strong. For living through this or even not living through it. Strength comes in different forms and again, I’m not suicidal, not encouraging it, neither am I belittling the struggles of those dealing with it. But lately, I tell myself that I have an option if it becomes too overwhelming or too tiring.